What’s the difference between want to want vs actually want in life? Let’s discuss what it means to “want to want” vs “actually want” a thing...
But before we get into that, we need to take it back a step. Because if you are struggling with recognizing the difference between want to want vs actually want, then that might also indicate that you are currently on the wrong-for-you path! These two topics go hand in hand.
What we're addressing in this article:
- How to know if you're on the wrong-for-you path in life.
- 7 signposts to watch out for.
- The difference between want to want vs actually want in life.
- My own experience with "wanting to want" vs ACTUALLY wanting a thing.
- Personal growth mindset work involved: 7 self-discovery questions.
- CAUTION! What to watch for as you take action on what you learn about this.
- 3-question assessment to figure out if you're going down the wrong life path.
Who am I to speak on this topic?
Hi! I'm a Life Coach for self-aware solopreneurs.
I specialize in helping you with self-discovery to live your best life, build courage to take ACTION on your dreams and goals, create anti-hustle productivity strategies and plans, develop your intrapersonal skills, and improve personal fulfillment in your business and life.
This also means that a lot of the work I do — with people just like you! — includes helping you to do things like unlearn people-pleasing while also improving your relationship with yourself...
...All of which is related to THIS topic of making sure you're doing what you ACTUALLY want to do with your life, rather than what you "want to want" or THINK that you "should" want.
A condensed version of this article originally appeared as the June 29, 2024 edition of the Solopreneur Diary Entries weekly newsletter.
How to tell if you’re on the wrong path (for YOU)...
You know that feeling where you DREAD doing something you said you’d do, or something you just gotta do?
(E.g. The “Sunday Scaries,” where you have zero interest in going to work on Monday)
How about those things you feel “obligated” to do, but even THINKING about it drains your energy?
(E.g. The things you volunteered to do in your personal life which you didn’t really want to do in the first place, and now you can’t figure out how to get out of them)
What about the shoulder strain or uncomfortable heart rate increase that happens when you’re focusing your attention on that thing?
(E.g. The aspects of your business that feel uncomfortable — specifically in a this-isn’t-a-good-fit sort of way, rather than a this-is-stretching-my-comfort-zone sort of way)
All of the above are possible indicators that you might be on the *wrong-for-you* path ♥ Here are some signposts to watch for:
- You dread doing the thing, more often than not.
- You're drained, just THINKING about this thing that you said you'd do.
- You feel like you "should" do this thing — it's an obligation.
- You have a visceral body reaction when you focus your attention on this thing.
- You would NOT do this thing, if no one else knew about it or if no one was counting on you to do it.
- You fantasize about a world where you don't need to do this thing.
- You're only doing this thing because everyone else does it — and therefore you believe/assume that you NEED to do it.
How many of those were you nodding along with?
That probably indicates you're on the wrong-for-you path in life!
Now that you know HOW to tell if you’re on the wrong path, it’s important to get back on the RIGHT-for-you path…
...and/but, we also want to ensure you don’t repeat this pattern of veering off track!
This is part of your personal growth and self improvement journey.
That’s one of the reasons why there can be a lot of value in figuring out how you got onto the wrong-for-you path in the first place:
When you know HOW it happened, you can more easily recognize those early warning signs in the future and put a halt to them before they trick you into moving in the wrong direction.
In my experience as a Personal Fulfillment Coach, one of the common reasons for veering off in the wrong direction is because people make decisions based on what they *want to want* to do in life or business, rather than what they ACTUALLY want to do.
Difference between want to want vs actually want in life
“Wanting to want” is about liking the idea of a thing more than the thing itself.
If you’re doing something because you WANT to want it, rather than because you ACTUALLY want it, that’s another indicator for how to tell if you’re on the wrong path.
If you love planning things conceptually but have a hard time implementing and taking action on those plans, for example, it could be because you like the IDEA of doing it more than you like the ACTION of doing it.
It’s important here to differentiate between whether you genuinely like a thing for itself vs whether you only like the idea of a thing — and that can be challenging to figure out!
We are inundated with societal pressures, aspirational figures, and the dreams that older versions of ourselves had for the future… All of that makes the waters a little murky.
Activating your intuition is a powerful way to remove that murkiness:
My own experience with “wanting to want” vs actually wanting a thing
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because earlier this year, I found myself in a situation where I signed up for a volunteer gig because I *wanted to want* to do it, rather than because I truly wanted to do it. That mistake created HUGE problems for me, especially from an energy-draining perspective!
→ So I started reflecting on past instances in which I’ve gone down the wrong-for-me path due to liking the IDEA of a thing more than the thing itself (specifically: working in public relations at the start of my career 14 years ago, and then entering into a short-lived business partnership about 7 years ago).
The personal growth mindset work…
I started asking myself:
- What can I learn from this to break free of the cycle and prevent it from happening again?
- How can I implement some kind of check point or the decision-making matrix (which you learn about and get access to inside Productivity Powerhouse) to recognize it when it’s happening, so I can put a halt to it?
- What patterns do I see in this?
- When something like this feels heavy or even harmful, what can I do to a) recognize it, b) connect the dots to prior experiences, and then c) protect myself before the pattern repeats itself?
We can think of these as recurring reminders/repeat lessons that come to a close once we’ve truly learned from them:
- What is this trying to teach me?
- How can I a) best learn from it this time, b) close the cycle, and c) move on to other, better, healthier, more useful and good-for-me experiences?
- Is it this thing that’s the problem, or is it the way in which I’m going about doing this thing that’s the problem?
- (This is a helpful question to ask because you might only need to make a few small tweaks to your approach/strategy, rather than moving the goalposts altogether)
The above can help you with making use of that difference between want to want vs actually want — and to increase your clarity along the way.
Enjoying this article?
Check out a few other blog posts related to this topic:
- What is personal fulfillment and how to find personal fulfillment
- How to reconcile different identities within yourself
- What to know about changing habits
A word of caution as you IDENTIFY and DO something about the difference between want to want vs actually want in life…
Actively doing inner healing and personal development work makes you even more aware of how things affect you, and as a result, negative things can feel that much more intense.
It’s not that you’re more susceptible to them; it’s that you’re more receptive to experiencing and feeling more things in general.
This is why it’s very important to create support structures and self-care practices (or hire a qualified Life Coach) that can protect you and hold space for you. It also makes positive things feel that much stronger — e.g. a smile from a stranger can light everything around you.
The feeling of intensity is not a bad thing AT ALL!
...And it’s not actually affecting you any more than it was before — it just feels like it.
E.g. When you find out you have a food sensitivity, you notice the effects of it more strongly when you’re paying attention to it/when you don’t have it as often, rather than before you thought it was normal to feel that way.
Bypassing the work doesn’t make this stuff go away and it doesn’t make it less hard on your system…
…It’s just that you aren’t seeing how hard it’s being on your system, until you start to do the work — and when you see it, you can begin to do something about it to fully process and release it.
That's a crucial aspect: Once you know the difference between want to want vs actually want in life, THEN you can begin making changes and acting upon it.
The strength of how it affects you can be alarming/frightening, but remember, it’s not *doing the work* that’s responsible for that strength. It was already that strong before… you just didn’t realize it.
And in that way, there IS some comfort and relief in recognizing it — because you are then in a position to take back your power over it!
We see the patterns we want to see. We see the patterns we’re looking for.
There are a million other patterns that we’re overlooking at any given moment — what makes THIS pattern special is that you are giving it your attention. That is what makes it worthy of exploring it further.
Doing this work in my own life and business led to some very helpful insights and realizations about the patterns in which this has shown up for me over the years — which means I can now BREAK that cycle!
I was able to pinpoint:
- The specific beliefs and motivations associated with those patterns,
- The meaning I was attaching to the choices I made,
- What it feels and looks like when I’m about to go down the wrong-for-me path, and
- The checkpoints I can put in place to prevent it from occurring again in such a big way in the future.
It’s been a wonderful learning opportunity!
And now, I want to invite you to do the same: Start to explore your own patterns so you can break free of your own cycles.
I can help you with this — click HERE to learn more and get life coaching.
Here are 3 questions to get you started with identifying when you might be going down the “wrong” path…
Assess anything in your life or business, and ask yourself:
- If no one else knew I was doing this thing, would I still want to do it? Yes or no.
- Does the ACT of doing this thing feel as invigorating as the PLANNING of doing it? Yes or no.
- Does the JOURNEY and PROCESS of doing this thing hold as much fun/interest for me as the GOAL and ACCOMPLISHMENT of doing it? Yes or no.
If your answers were “No” to any of these 3 questions (and especially if you said “No” to ALL 3 of those questions), that might be a sign that the path you’ve chosen isn’t quite the right fit for you — in which case it’s time to reassess your choices and make some changes.
It’s not enough to just learn how to tell if you’re on the wrong path… You also want to be able to take ACTION on that realization.
It’s time for the next step in your personal growth and self improvement journey!
Not quite sure where to go from here?
Wondering what you need to keep in mind when you're getting back on track with the *right-for-you* path in life or business?
Check out my Intuition Activated masterclass to boost your intuition and get back on the RIGHT-FOR-YOU path in life:
Did you enjoy this article?
A condensed version of it originally appeared as the June 29, 2024 edition of the Solopreneur Diary Entries weekly newsletter.
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