Hey there people pleaser! In this video, let's talk about why people pleasing does not work.
People pleasing hurts everyone, you and the people that you're trying to please. Here are three reasons why people pleasing is such a big problem…
All videos in the People Pleaser series:
- 5 Signs You're a People Pleaser
- Why Doesn't People Pleasing Work? (that's this one!)
- How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Start Putting Yourself First
Why Doesn't People Pleasing Work?
1) People pleasing washes away all sense of boundaries — internal and external.
These are the boundaries that you have within yourself, the boundaries that you set for yourself and maintain for yourself, as well as the boundaries that you have with other people; that you set and maintain with others.
When you're people pleasing, those boundaries really get diminished, that line gets very blurry. This is where you might set certain boundaries, again, internal or external, but you don't actually keep them. You don't hold yourself or others to those boundaries. This can cause a lot of conflict in those relationships that you have with yourself and with other people. It becomes a really big issue.
2) It makes it that much easier for other people to walk all over other people in the future.
It becomes really normalized for them to expect to be able to just walk all over you to get whatever they want from you. When that is normalized in the relationship that you have with this particular person or the different people in your life, they begin to expect that from other people as well.
In this case, not only are these boundaries not being maintained within yourself and within the relationship that you have with other people, but they also start to affect these people's other relationships and the way they act with other people. It becomes this domino effect.
3) It makes it much harder for you to differentiate between where your goals and values end, and where other people's goals and values begin.
It's really easy to lose yourself in what other people want and need and to completely neglect your own wants and needs.
As a result, you might build an entire life that you don't actually want for yourself. You're simply doing it, you're going through the motions, you're acting in certain ways because you think that's what other people want from you. You are so desperate to put them before yourself, that you've created something that you don't want for yourself.
And remember, you live your life for you. You aren't living here, you are put on earth to live constantly for what other people want from you.
What is your motive as a people pleaser? Does people pleasing work?
It's really important that you ask yourself, “What am I trying to achieve as a people pleaser when I am people pleasing? What is my motive? What is my goal?”
Keep in mind that people pleasing typically is one of those things where the other person doesn't even know why you're doing it. They don't know your motive. And as a result, they're not even going to be able to really give you what it is that you want.
People pleasing doesn't work.
When you people please, it's also not coming from a place of being genuine in the giving that you are doing. This creates a rift and a disconnect: It doesn't feel good to you, and it also likely is going to feel like there's something off to the other person that you are people pleasing for.
A better approach than people pleasing…
There is so much more value for yourself and for others when you do things for others from a place of kindness and compassion and generosity and sincerity and joy.
What if you did things for others without strings attached? What if you did things for others from a place of sincerity? How might it change the frequency with which you put others first or the way in which you approach doing it?
Question your motives. Dig deep and unpack, “Am I doing this because I genuinely want to do this for another person? Or is there an underlying reason for it?” …and then unpack that, and then unpack that, and keep going, keep digging deeper to get to the real root of it.
…By the way, this is something that you and I can do together in one on one coaching sessions! Book your sessions here:
Now that you know why people pleasing doesn't work, stay tuned for our next video when we are going to explore how to stop being a people pleaser and to start putting yourself first!