Are you starting to wonder if you are a people pleaser? In this video, let's go over the five signs that you are stuck in people pleaser mode and what it means to be a people pleaser:
All videos in the People Pleaser series:
- 5 Signs You're a People Pleaser (that's this one!)
- Why Doesn't People Pleasing Work?
- How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Start Putting Yourself First
How do you even know if you are a people pleaser? Here are five possible indicators…
#1 You have a tough time saying no to people, either in your professional life or your personal life or both — even though you already have a lot on your plate.
Your to do list is overflowing but you still keep saying “yes” to people. It's really difficult for you to ever say “no.” And if you do say “no,” you often feel bad about it and you start fretting about it and worrying about it. You might even backtrack and say “yes.”
#2 You often find yourself offering to do things for other people, even though you don't actually want to do a thing.
It's become second nature for you to volunteer to do things for other people. It doesn't matter what you have going on in your life or in the work that you're doing; you just keep on offering to put other people before yourself.
#3 You don't give yourself the same priority that you give other people, regardless of the context.
In some instances, it might be appropriate for other people to get priority over you. But you just put people in front of you and you prioritize them in all different types of circumstances and situations.
#4 You consistently go the extra mile for people and you have some underlying resentment toward it.
This resentment might be about you doing the thing at all — having resentment toward feeling like you have to do this for other people — and/or the resentment might be toward other people because they are not returning that favour in kind. They are not going above and beyond for you.
They are not going the extra mile for you and that bothers you, even though you didn't ask for them to do it. And you might even turn down their help if they try to offer to do something for you.
#5 You have a hard time expressing to other people when you do not want to be doing a thing.
In this case, even if you want to say “no” and even if you do not want to say “yes,” even if you do not want to offer to help people, you still find yourself doing it and giving in to what other people are doing and what other people want from you — because you don't want to tell them that you don't actually want to do a thing. You might be afraid of being perceived as selfish.
People pleasing vs being generous and considerate
There is a difference between people pleasing versus being accommodating of others or genuinely wanting to do things for other people. It is about your motive and the emotions that you attach to it.
For example, do you feel like other people are more deserving of your attention than you are deserving of your own attention? When you go the extra mile for people, is it because it's what you want to do and you're being really thoughtful and considerate and it lights you up? Or are you going the extra mile for other people because you feel obligated to do it? Or because you think it's the only way that people will like you or because you're putting yourself in a martyr position?
Doing things for other people and going the extra mile for them and being really thoughtful and generous of your time can be wonderful. Putting other people before you is not inherently a bad thing at all! It's beautiful to put other people before yourself.
…It's when it veers into a place of extreme or resentment or even manipulation that it becomes a problem.
Is people pleasing a bad thing?
It's certainly not ideal, but we can use it as information. People pleasing is indicative of other things happening beneath the surface.
The reason why you people please will not necessarily be the same reason why other people are people pleasing, which means that there is no universal answer for how to stop being a people pleaser. This is why it's so important to dig into what's really going on beneath the surface, the root causes of your people pleasing tendencies.
When you understand your unique reasons for people pleasing, then you can design a customized solution to stop people pleasing. The more personalized it is to your specific situation, the more effective that solution is going to be and the more long lasting it's going to be!
If that sounds daunting, or you don't know exactly where to start, or you want some support and guidance along the way, then book your coaching sessions with me and we can do this together:
In our next video we're going to explore how people pleasing hurts everyone, you and the other people involved, and some key things to consider when you think about what you're trying to achieve with your people pleasing. I'll see you there!